Last night I proved once and for all that I am better than Dan by beating him in a very prestigious competition. Normally we perform together as Can You Dig It? but last night we were pitted against in other in the quest to win the Uke of Edinburgh Award at Tricity Vogue’s fantastic Ukulele Cabaret. The Uke of Edinburgh Award is the prize that every musician and musical comedian wants to win and I won it with FULL MARKS from the judges. Dan came third. He claims the reason he did not win is that he can’t really play the ukulele but that is a feeble excuse. He just can’t accept that I am funnier than him.
This is my revenge for Dan saying in public that he is better at growing vegetables than me. He said this to someone who had just been to see our show. I was standing right next to him and was nearly sick. This claim is based on no evidence whatsoever. In fact if we look at the evidence in a scientific and unbiased manner then the reverse would seem to be true. 1) I successfully grew onions this year – Dan’s all died. 2) In the gourd-growing competition we’ve been having, I managed to germinate many more gourds than Dan. He claims his gourd plants are healthier than mine – again based on no evidence. I have seen his gourd plants and I have seen mine and, being entirely objective, I would say mine are in top condition while Dan’s are pathetic and weak. 3) I have published evidence of my beautiful crops on this very website. Where are the pictures of Dan’s crops? He says he has photos but no one has seen them.
Ergo: Who’s best at growing vegetables? The facts speak for themselves.