I’m trying to persuade Dan to change his name. I want him to change it to Danglebert Womperdinck. I will now explain why. As those of you who have seen our extended touring show will know, it features our very own potential Eurovision hit. It’s a brilliant, quintessentially British song – written by Dan – and would almost certainly win the Eurovision Song Contest, if we entered. So why-oh-why-oh-why-oh-why, given that they had our brilliant song on offer, did the people in charge of this year’s entry go with Love Will Set You Free, which lacks the originality and joie de vivre of our gardening-related track? The only logical conclusion is that it is because Dan has a very boring name, unlike Englebert Humperdinck, who now has the hopes and dreams of a nation weighing on his 75-year-old shoulders. “Dan Woods” lacks razzamatazz and sparkle. “Woods by name, wooden by nature,” people will be thinking. Not like teak-coloured Englebert, who may look like he is made of wood but at least sounds like a fun guy thanks to his unusual name. Therefore Dan must become Danglebert, allowing us to sweep to victory in 2013. I rest my case.